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METROPOLIS 



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MANNERS 

for the 

METROPOLIS 

An Entrance Key? to the 

Fantastic Life of 

The 400 

BY 
FRANCIS W. CROWNINSHIELD 




DECORATIONS BY 
LOUIS FANCHER 



NEW YORK 

D. APPLETON AND COMPANY 

1908 



LIBRARY of CONGRESS 
Two Copies Received 

OCT 23 1908 

, Copyright tntry 






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Copyright, 1908, by 
D. APPLETON AND COMPANY 

Copyright, 1908, by 
THE METROPOLITAN MAGAZINE COMPANY 



Published, October, 1908 



TO 
H. S. C. 



CONTENTS 



PAGE 



Foreword 3 

Country Houses 9 

Conversation 27 

Dinners 35 

Dances 53 

Bridge 65 

The Theater 85 

Calling 91 

Our Country Cousins 95 

Newport 103 

General Rules 113 



LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS 



FACING 
PAGE 



Tips Frontispiece 

Conversation 28 

Hostess 60 

Bridge 78 



\ 



FOREWORD 



FOREWORD 

IT is undeniable that much of the pleasure 
in modern life is derived from social inter- 
course. 

From time immemorial the gregarious in- 
stinct has contributed greatly to the charm of 
all populated regions. It is worthy of re- 
mark that, during the past decade, both in 
America and in England, sudden and violent 
changes have somewhat ruffled the placid 
waters of polite society. These new condi- 
tions of life have naturally necessitated new 
methods of social procedure. The telephone, 
coeducation, wireless telegraphy, motor cars, 
millionaires, bridge whist, women's rights, 
Sherry's, cocktails, four-day liners, pianolas, 
steam heat, directoire gowns, dirigible bal- 

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MANNERS for the METROPOLIS 

loons, and talking machines have all contrib- 
uted to an astonishing social metamorphosis. 

Curiously enough no book of etiquette has 
taken count of these violent changes. There 
is literally no Baedeker for this newly discov- 
ered country. Many fruitful and enchanted 
islands have been sighted, but have, alas, re- 
mained uncharted. 

It is, therefore, with motives of generosity, 
charity, and kindness that this little guide has 
been prepared by the benevolent author. 

It will be found to contain concise rules of 
deportment for all the more important social 
ceremonies — from a tete-a-tete to a betrothal, 
a picnic to a funeral, a partie-carree to a 
divorce, an ushers' dinner to a Turkish bath, 
and a piano recital to a rout. It also contains 
excellent advice on the choice of a motor car, 
a summer residence, a wife, or a brand of 
cigar. 

The author feels that it should prove of 
great value to those people who have been 
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MANNERS for the METROPOLIS 

born and brought up in refined and well-bred 
families, and are, at the same time, desirous 
of entering fashionable society. 

To our newer millionaires and plutocrats 
it should be a very present help in time of 
trouble, for it is undeniable that many of 
these captains of industry — however strong 
and virile their natures — become utterly help- 
less and panic-stricken at the mere sight of a 
gold finger bowl, an alabaster bath, a pronged 
oyster fork, or the business end of an as- 
paragus. 



COUNTRY HOUSES 



COUNTRY HOUSES 

A COUNTRY HOUSE is an establish- 
ment maintained by people of wealth and po- 
sition who have banished from their home 
circle the old ideas of family life : the hearth- 
side, the romping little ones, and the studious 
evenings under the red lamp. 

JL HERE is so much that is pleasurable in a 
house party at such an establishment that it 
is difficult to say which part of it is the most 
delightful. It is thrilling to receive the invi- 
tation; the journey there is full of an ex- 
pectant pleasure; the sport is invigorating; 
the meals are usually palatable; the society 
agreeable. On the whole, however, perhaps 

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MANNERS for the METROPOLIS 

the most welcome part of it all is the mo- 
ment of departure. 

l\T a week-end party, when the servant 
calls you in the morning and informs you 
that your bath is running, it is modish to 
sink off to sleep and allow the bath to over- 
flow. As soon as you are wide awake make 
certain to turn off the electric light and de- 
mand from the servant a brandy and soda. 
After this bracer you may light a cigarette 
and send the footman for breakfast and a 
cigar. It is also a wise precaution to ask for 
all the morning papers — otherwise the other 
guests may secure some of them. 

XT is usual for the bachelors to dawdle 

about in their riding things until lunch is 

announced. They can then go to their rooms, 

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MANNERS for the METROPOLIS 

take their baths, and change. This puts off 
the agony of the lunch — which is always a 
tiresome meal. 

vJO up early to dress for dinner, or the 
other guests will have drawn off all the hot 
water for their own baths. 

rxFTER a week-end visit it is customary to 
write your hostess a " bread-and-butter let- 
ter," or " pleaser." The following note will 
be found a safe guide for such an occasion. 

My dear Mrs. Weekende: 

How kind you were to open the gates 
of Heaven and give me that little 
glimpse of Paradise. Would you be 
good enough to ask the valet to send me 
my cap? Perhaps, too, the footman 
could forward my golf clubs, which I 
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MANNERS for the METROPOLIS 

entirely overlooked in the hurry of de- 
parture. If not too much trouble, per- 
haps you will ask the maid to express 
me my sponge bag, listerine, and razor 
strop. 

With renewed thanks, I am, dear 
Mrs. Weekende, 

Yours sincerely, 

Percy Vanderfort. 

P. S. — I am returning to you, by ex- 
press, the woodland violet bath salt, 
the photograph frame, the bedroom 
clock, the silver brushes, the hot-water 
bag, and the two sachet cases which 
your servant mistook for my property. 






W HEN you are visiting in the country 
and your hostess maintains a very small es- 
tablishment, the servant may ask you, on 
awaking you, what you desire for breakfast. 

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MANNERS for the METROPOLIS 

Out of consideration for your hostess you 
should ask for a very small and very simple 
breakfast. Try to confine yourself to grape 
fruit, oatmeal, bacon and eggs, corn bread, 
chicken mince, marmalade, coffee, honey, hot 
biscuits, and orange juice. 

JTARLOR tricks are great assets in a week- 
ender. The most popular are moving the 
scalp and ears, cracking the knuckles, dis- 
jointing the thumbs, standing on the head, 
tearing a pack of cards, and dancing a cake 
walk. 

WHEN the host offers, after breakfast, 
to show you over the farm, gasp, and men- 
tion your rheumatism. Almost any lie is per- 
missible to prevent so terrible a catastrophe. 

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MANNERS for the METROPOLIS 

Y OUNG girls, when visiting at a house 
party, should be quiet and gentle, well be- 
haved and agreeable ; but when at home there 
is no reason why they should not be perfectly 
natural. 

X HE horrors of the guest room are too 
well known to need enumeration, and can sel- 
dom be ameliorated. They are, roughly, as 
follows: The embroidered pillow slips, the 
egg-finished sheets, the drawer of the bureau 
that is warped and will not open, the rusty 
pins in the stony pincushion, the empty cut- 
glass cologne bottles, the blinds that bang in 
the night, the absence of hooks on which to 
hang your razor strop, the pictures of the 
" Huguenot Lovers " and Landseer's " Sanct- 
uary " over the headboard of the bed, the 
tendency of the maid to hide the matches, 
the dear little children in the nursery above 
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MANNERS for the METROPOLIS 

you, the dead fly in the dried-up ink well, 
and the hidden radiator under the sofa. 



W HEN you spend Sunday in the country, 
the proper schedule of tips for the servants 
is as follows: 

Chauffeur $10.00 

Butler 10.00 

Coachman 5.00 

Footman 3.00 

Valet 5.00 

Cook nothing 

Maid 2.00 

Chambermaid 2.00 

Strapper 1.00 

Groom 2.00 

Total $40.00 

Should you, however, have but $30 with 
you, you have but to take a very early train, 

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MANNERS for the METROPOLIS 

in which case the butler will not have ap- 
peared, and there will be no necessity to tip 
him. The resourceful bachelor may also de- 
cide to compensate the maid, if she be pretty, 
by a few pleasant words of appreciation as 
to her beauty and by chucking her under the 
chin, as is invariably done on the stage in 
comic opera. 

If your visit has been for a week, the above 
table of tips should be disregarded. At the 
end of such a visit you had best hand the 
housekeeper a letter of introduction to your 
lawyer, together with a list of your securities, 
and allow her to sue your estate for the gra- 
tuities. 

(If you are from Pittsburg, care should be 
taken to double the above table of tips.) 

A HE dressing gong is sometimes meant to 

convey the impression that dinner will shortly 

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MANNERS for the METROPOLIS 

be served in the banqueting hall. Usually, 
however, it is the signal for everybody to 
begin a new rubber. 

A RY to go early to the stables and select a 
good riding horse for the rest of your visit. 
There are seldom more than two good ones. 
The rest are usually roarers or crocks. 

X HE hostess at a large country house is 
naturally expected to provide all the week- 
end essentials — i. e., liquors, cigars, food, 
carriages — and motors in condition. Besides 
these, however, she should never neglect to 
offer her guests certain little added comforts 
without which they would, very naturally, be 
miserable. Every guest should be supplied, 
therefore, with the following articles: a bot- 
tle of listerine, a cloth cap, a tennis bat, a 
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MANNERS for the METROPOLIS 

hot-water bag, a pair of motor goggles, a 
bag of golf clubs, a sweater, six tennis balls, 
a bathroom, with needle shower (exclusive), 
a bathrobe, a pair of slippers, a pair of ten- 
nis shoes, a bathing suit, a box of cigarettes 
(fifty in a box), a set of diabolo sticks, a 
riding and driving horse, a fur overcoat, an 
umbrella, a bottle of eau de cologne, and a 
box of postage stamps. 

VJUESTS are always invited from Friday 
night to Monday morning. It is wiser for 
the hostess to mention the Monday trains, 
or one of the guests may decide to stop 
longer. This is seldom a wise plan. Host- 
esses should clear the house of all guests 
before the three-day limit. Remember the 
Spanish proverb, " El huesped y el pece a 
tres dias hiede," which, being translated, 
means, " Any guest, like any fish, is bound to 
be objectionable on the third day." 
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MANNERS for the METROPOLIS 

XN certain country houses the architect has 
neglected to supply bathrooms for each of 
the guests. In some extreme cases as many 
as three bachelors are expected to share one 
bath. This is bad. 

The best way to maneuver under such cir- 
cumstances is to send your servant early to 
the bathroom and let him lock himself in. 
This will foil the invaders. When he hears 
your special knock on the door, he can open 
to you, and you can then bathe, take a nap 
in the bath, shave, smoke a cigarette, and 
read the papers in quiet. 

AT a house party every lady of promi- 
nence is sure to bring at least one Pomeranian 
dog. Many think it wiser to bring a black 
and a brown, so that, no matter what gown 
they may wear, one of the darlings is sure not 
to clash with it. These pets are, of course, 
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extremely expensive. A smart week-end on 
the Hudson will usually average about six 
thousand dollars' worth of Poms. 

IN nearly all guest rooms the hostess is sure 
to provide white enamel writing desks, chif- 
foniers, and tables. By leaving lighted ciga- 
rettes on such articles of furniture you are 
almost certain to secure a very curious and 
amusing stain, or burn. Sometimes, if your 
visit is long enough, you can etch, in this 
way, a complete pattern around a fair-sized 
table. The Greek fret and egg-and-dart de- 
signs are neat and extremely popular. 

A HE passage through a country house of 

the framed photograph of a friend is often 

an instructive spectacle to witness. Such a 

trophy usually begins its career in the draw- 

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MANNERS for the METROPOLIS 

ing-room. It is then moved to the library, 
and subsequently to the smoking room. After 
that it begins a heavenly flight into one of 
the guest rooms, from which place it ascends 
on its last earthly pilgrimage to the attic. 

X HE English have rather a clever way of 

" chucking " a week-end engagement in the 

country. They merely telegraph as follows : 

"Impossible to come to-day: lie follows 

by mail." 

AN unprotected lady should be careful not 
to employ convivial or tippling butlers. We 
are acquainted with a widow who was re- 
cently petrified with horror when her drunk- 
en butler entered her sleeping apartment in 
the dead of the night and proceeded to lay 
the table for six — upon her bed. 
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MANNERS for the METROPOLIS 

SUNDAY morning in the country is usu- 
ally rainy. This is invariably the fault of 
the hostess. When you descend in the morn- 
ing, look at her reproachfully; mention the 
rain; remark on the fact that it has always 
rained when you have visited her before; sink 
hopelessly on a sofa, and sigh. 

XJlOSTESSES very often have a distressing 
way of asking you how you slept. Under 
such circumstances it is permissible to speak 
the truth and to mention, quite frankly, the 
mosquitoes and the topographical whimsical- 
ities of your bed. 

lNa country house, if you find, on going 
up to your room to dress for dinner, that no 
studs have been put into your evening shirt, 
complain at once to the stud groom. 

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MANNERS for the METROPOLIS 

JjEWARE of inviting fashionable bachel- 
ors for the week-end unless you maintain an 
adequate menage. The recent and distress- 
ing case of a lady (with but one spare room 
and a very small establishment) may serve as 
a terrible example. 

Her visitor arrived rather late on a rainy 
night. His belongings looked like those of 
a traveling theatrical company, and included 
one forty horse power Mercedes car, a Swiss 
valet, a violin case, one trunk, two hat boxes, 
five pounds of bonbons, a fur overcoat, a pho- 
tographic camera, a bag of golf clubs, a talk- 
ing machine, two boxes of health cocoa, an 
Austrian chauffeur, an oxygen jar, two polo 
ponies, an air cushion, a wire-haired fox ter- 
rier, and a box of one hundred clay pigeons. 



CONVERSATION 



CONVERSATION 

JL HE conversation at a club should be sim- 
ple and conventional. It is vulgar to go into 
long or prolix discussions. Only a few re- 
marks are comme il faut, such as " Hello ! " 
"Deuced cold!" "Have a drink ?" "Who 
has a cigar?" "How about one rubber?" 
Perhaps the safest and most refined remark 
for constant use is: "Waiter, take the or- 
ders." Even this may be dispensed with — 
if you make certain to ring the bell. 

IT is not modish to speak kindly to the 
servants either in your own or in other peo- 
ple's houses. In addressing them, simply say : 
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MANNERS for the METROPOLIS 

"A napkin," " The cigars," " Where the 
devil are my boots?" Remember that they 
" get even " in the servants' hall. 



IT is customary, in alluding to ladies in the 
ultra-fashionable set (provided they are not 
present) to speak of them by their pet 
names : " Birdie," " Baby," " Tessie," 
" Posy"; but, when face to face with these 
ladies, the utmost formality had best be ob- 
served. 

IN criticising a play or a novel be careful to 
avoid long and discriminating criticisms. You 
should either " knock " or " boost." Try to 
remember that there are only two kinds of 
plays or novels — they are either " bully " or 



" rotten." 



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MANNERS for the METROPOLIS 

IF a few people in the smart set are enter- 
taining a stranger at lunch, it is de rigueur 
for them to converse with each other entirely 
in whispers and always on subjects with 
which he is absolutely unfamiliar. 

AN discussing literature at a lunch or din- 
ner, try to remember that there are but a very 
few fashionable authors. They are as fol- 
lows: Mrs. Wharton, Colonel Mann, Mrs. 
Glyn, Robert Hichens, F. Peter Dunne, John 
Fox, Jr., and Billy Baxter. 

J\T a dinner a gentleman sitting beside a 
debutante should congratulate her upon her 
debut, and, in a few well-chosen words, 
should discuss the usual debutante topics — 
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MANNERS for the METROPOLIS 

i. e., platonic love, banting, Ethel Barrymore, 
French dressmakers, John Drew, the relative 
merits of Harvard and Yale, love at first 
sight, the football match and the matter of 
her great personal beauty and charm. 

Try always to remember that the chief and 
most interesting topics of conversation are 
herself and yourself. Serious topics are very 
properly deemed out of place in society. 

jfV.FTER dinner, over the cigars, it is bad 
form for men to discuss any subjects but 
stocks and motor cars. 

WHENEVER, at a dinner, an anecdote 
is narrated in French, it is always a wise pre- 
caution to laugh heartily. 
30 



MANNERS for the METROPOLIS 

WOMEN should not complain of their 
husbands in public. All married women have 
a great deal to contend with. Everybody 
knows that married men make very poor 
husbands. 

AT a dinner the safest conversational open- 
ing is as follows: " Is that your bread, or 
mine?" 

WHEN, at a dinner, you don't know the 
lady next to you, show her your dinner card 
and say: 

" I'm that; what are you? " 

CiHIVALRY demands that a lady's name 

should never be mentioned in a gentleman's 

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club. Occasionally, however, this hard-and- 
fast rule may be slightly infracted, and her 
intimate affairs discreetly talked over — pro- 
vided that the group of gentlemen be a small 
one and absolute privacy assured. 

N. B. — A " small group " is any group of 
less than twelve. 



DINNERS 



DINNERS 

A DINNER is a miscellaneous collection of 
appropriately dressed men and women, who 
are not in the least hungry and who are in- 
vited by the host and hostess to repay cer- 
tain social obligations for value received or 
expected. The attitude of the guests at such 
a repast is very often one of regret and re- 
volt, because of the haunting memory of an 
invitation, much more enticing in its pros- 
pects, but, alas, more recently received. 

UN arriving at a dinner a servant should 

hand each male guest an envelope containing 

a card. This card will bear the name of the 

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lady whom he is to take in to dinner. This 
part of the ceremony is usually accompanied 
by groans and maledictions as the gentlemen 
tremblingly open their envelopes. 

Some hostesses allow their guests to file 
in to dinner in ignorance of their partners. 
They thus learn their fate at the dinner table, 
which postpones the terrible shock for as 
long a period as possible. 



WJ^ 



JNI OTHING adds so much to an appear- 
ance of savoir faire as the art of gracefully 
removing from a dinner or evening party a 
gentleman who has imbibed, not wisely but 
too well. The correct method is to ask the 
butler to inform him that a lady wishes to 
speak to him on the telephone. When he 
has left the room, spring upon him in the 
hall and chivy him into a cab. 

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MANNERS for the METROPOLIS 

JVOUGE sticks and powder puffs may be 
used by ladies at luncheons, but never at din- 
ners. 

IF a bachelor receives a dinner invitation 
from people who are not really " in the 
swim " (people, let us say, like old friends, 
classmates, and business associates, who are, 
so to speak, " on the green, but not dead to 
the hole "), he should simply toss it into the 
fire. This plan will prevent any more invita- 
tions from so undesirable a quarter. Were 
he to answer these people politely, they would 
certainly annoy him again at a later date. 
Remember that " the coward does it with a 
kiss, the brave man with a sword." 

JLIO not address your best thoughts to the 
ladies until they have had an opportunity to 

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brush the glove powder from their arms and 
to look carefully at the dresses and orna- 
ments of the other ladies at the dinner. 

AT a very large dinner, the lady beside 
you is almost certain to be one who entertains 
generously and, as such, should be treated 
with a certain degree of politeness. Try to 
suppress, however, all sentiments purely 
human in their nature, such as pity, kindness 
of heart, sympathy, enthusiasm, love of 
books, music, and art. 

These ridiculous sentiments are in exceed- 
ingly bad taste and should be used but spar- 
ingly, if at all. 

JL/ADIES do not call upon a bachelor, in 
his rooms, after attending a dinner given by 
him — except in Mrs. Wharton's novels. 

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MANNERS for the METROPOLIS 

UN leaving a dinner you should always 
manage to come down the steps with a group 
of the super-rich — they may give you a lift 
home. 

UN driving home with friends from a din- 
ner, it is the generally accepted practice to 
abuse the host and draw particular attention 
to his ghastly collection of family portraits, 
his wretched plate, and execrable food. Do 
not fail also to draw a moving picture of the 
stupidity and hideousness of the lady next to 
you at dinner — unless she should be in the 
carriage with you at the time. 

WHEN you are over half an hour late 
at a dinner it is well to have an excuse. There 
are, just now, only two modish excuses: 
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First, you were arrested for speeding your 
motor; second, you were playing bridge, and 
every hand seemed to be a spade or a club. 



MjG 



W HEN a gentleman at a dinner upsets a 
plate of terrapin, a ruddy duck, or a bowl of 
vegetable salad upon the dress of the lady 
beside him, she should laugh merrily and 
should always be provided with some apt jest 
with which to carry off the little contre- 
temps. 

FlETCHERITES have lately added a 
new horror to dining out. These strange 
creatures seldom repay attention. The best 
that can be expected from them is the tense 
and awful silence which always accompanies 
their excruciating tortures of mastication. 
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A HERE are two recherche methods for a 
bachelor to refuse a verbal dinner invitation. 
The first is to say that you are dining with a 
business associate. The second is to say that 
your engagement book is at home and that 
you will consult it immediately upon reaching 
there and will telephone. This gives you the 
desired opportunity of saying " No." It is 
always easier over the wire than face to face. 

AN wriggling out of a dinner at the last 
moment in New York, it is chic to invent 
some mythical female relative in Philadelphia 
who has developed a sudden and alarming 
illness and has hastily summoned you to her 
bedside. 

IF, at a dinner, food is passed to you which 

you do not care to eat, it is good form to 

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take a generous heap of it, to pat it and mess 
it up on your plate with a fork. 

/xFTER dinner, if a lady has been asked to 
sing and refused, do not urge her further. 
It is the height of bad manners, and there is 
just the off chance that she may yield. 

IN England the matter of precedence at 
dinners is simplicity itself. The Sovereign 
precedes an ambassador, who precedes the 
Archbishop of Canterbury, who precedes the 
Earl Marshal, who precedes a duke, who 
precedes an earl, a marquis, a viscount, a 
bishop, a baron, etc.; but in America the 
matter is a much more perplexing one. 

The author of this brochure respectfully 
suggests the following scheme of American 
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dinner precedence : Let an opera box count 6 
points ; steam yacht, 5 ; town house, 5 ; coun- 
try house, 4; motors, 3 each; every million 
dollars, 2 ; tiara, 1 ; good wine cellar, 1 ; ball- 
room in town house, 1 ; a known grandparent 
of either sex, J; culture, J. By this system, 
a woman of culture with four known grand- 
parents and a million dollars will have a total 
of 4|. She will, of course, be forced to 
follow in the wake of a lady with a town 
house and a tiara (6) ; who, in turn, will trail 
after a woman with a steam yacht and two 
motors (11). The highest known total is 
about 100; the lowest, about -J. The house- 
keeper may arrange the totals, and the hostess 
can then send the guests in according to their 
listed quotations. 

1 EOPLE who arrive late at a large dinner 

sometimes have very quaint and amusing ex- 

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cuses. A hostess at a recent eight-o'clock ban- 
quet collected the following gems: 

I overslept in my bath. 

A cinder lodged in my eye and I have just 
come from the chemist's. 

My maid is ill and I was forced to hook 
myself. 

The twins put crumbs in my stockings. 

I read your invitation upside down and, 
naturally, mistook the hour of dinner. 

I never eat soup, and thought, of course, 
you wouldn't wait. 

I knew Mrs. V — t would be much later 
than I — so I took a chance. 

I was taking my memory lesson, and it 
was all so absorbing that I completely forgot 
the dinner. 

I lost your note, and, as everybody dines 
at 8.30, I thought, of course, that you would. 

My chauffeur was so drunk that he took 
me next door by mistake, and delayed me 
fearfully. 

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MANNERS for the METROPOLIS 

Ji VERY year it is becoming more and more 
difficult for hostesses to secure a sufficient 
number of blades for their dinners and even- 
ing routs. " Odd men " are always in tre- 
mendous demand. 

The custom of shouting names, which is 
imperfectly followed at the hotels, should be 
perfected in our clubs, and we hope soon to 
see the club waiters wandering about the 
halls and lounging rooms shouting out, as 
they go: "Mrs. Vanderlip, four odd men 
for dinner." " Mrs. Miles, two bachelors 
for the opera." " Mrs. Nestor, one married 
couple for bridge," etc. 

W HEN a lady beside you is so generously 
avoirdupoised or embonpointed that it is a 
physical impossibility for her to see the food 
upon her plate, it is sometimes an act of kind- 
ness to inform her as to the nature of the 
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bird or beast so hopelessly removed from her 
vision. This saves her the trouble of lifting 
it above the horizon in order to discover its 
exact species. 

A CLEVER hostess in New York has re- 
cently trained a highly intelligent dachshund 
to fly about after dinner, under the banquet 
table, and fetch out the long white gloves, 
make-up boxes, scarves, and lace handker- 
chiefs. Most hostesses, however, prefer to 
put their guests on the scent and let them 
retrieve the hidden treasures. 

J\ FRANTIC hostess recently telephoned 
us for advice on a nice point of social eti- 
quette. She had arranged a dinner of twelve, 
and was confronted and confounded, at the 
last moment, by an " odd " bachelor whom 

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she had originally invited and subsequently 
forgotten. She could not sit down thirteen at 
the table. 

"What shall I do?" she asked. 

We were glad to be able to come to the 
distressed lady's assistance and telephoned 
her as follows : 

" You should hand him a neatly folded 
dollar bill and ask him to slip out quietly and 
buy himself a good dinner at a corner restau- 
rant. Your butler may also give him a cigar 
as he passes into the night." 



&j% 



IF you are giving a supper after the play, 
it is de rigueur to order grape fruit, hot bouil- 
lon, champagne, birds, a salad, and a sweet. 
The sated guests will not touch any of the 
food, but it is comme il faut to put it all be- 
fore them. 

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MANNERS for the METROPOLIS 

JD ANTING has almost done away with the 
ancient custom of eating, but thyroid tablets 
and lemon juice are, of course, permitted. At 
a ladies' lunch the guests (whether ladies, 
millionairesses, or workingwomen) should be 
careful disdainfully to dismiss the dainty 
dishes until the repast is over, when they 
should look benignly at the hostess and 
murmur : 

" Dear Mrs. Brown — might I have a cup 
of very hot water?" 



Wj% 



W HEN a lady must pay back forty din- 
ner obligations and her dining room will 
seat only twenty, it is obvious that she must 
have two dinners of twenty each. She should 
give the feasts on successive evenings, as the 
left-over flowers, bonbons, fruits, and pates 
will always do service at the second repast. 

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MANNERS for the METROPOLIS 

J\. LADY should be careful not to turn to 
the gentleman beside her and complain of the 
" fizz." There is always a good chance that 
he is the wine agent. 

WHEN, in New York, a married couple 
do not pull along together, and have defi- 
nitely decided to divorce or separate, it is 
customary for them once or twice to dine, 
tete-a-tete, at Sherry's: to flirt, laugh, and 
make merry with each other — in order to put 
the eager hounds off the scent. 

/ilT dinners in the beau monde the foot- 
men will invariably pounce upon your plate 
and run off with it before you have half fin- 
ished the course. Be careful not to hold on 
to it like a despairing mother whose child is 
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MANNERS for the METROPOLIS 

being torn from her arms, as such scenes at 
table are always deplorable and harassing. 

1 N purchasing almond bonbons for the din- 
ner table the hostess should make sure to 
select the mauve species. No one ever eats 
them. A dishful of the white variety will 
sometimes vanish in a night, but the mauve 
go on forever. 



DANCES 



DANCES 

IN New York the word " ball " is intended 
to signify a hundred or so people who do not 
care particularly for dancing, who are pros- 
trated by the prospect of arising early on the 
following morning, and who leave their co- 
tillion favors untouched and disregarded 
upon the gilt chairs in the ballroom. 

The chief characteristics of a ball may be 
summed up, briefly, as follows: Mothers, or 
" benchwomen," wildly eying their offspring; 
the " leader," battered and bruised like a 
half-back in a football game ; the hostess, with 
her tiara aslant on her new false curls; fifty 
wilted linen collars; fifty ditto shirts; four 
red-faced gentlemen asleep in the smoking 
room; the host leaping from train to train 
with the agility of a brakeman; two hundred 

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MANNERS for the METROPOLIS 

yards of chiffon ruffles and one pound of as- 
sorted hairpins decorating the floor of the 
ballroom; a deep crowd of so-called dancing 
men who effectually block the entrance door 
and stand in a dazed and awkward group, 
spellbound by the horrors of the scene. 



^1^ 



X HE valuable checks for cotillion seats are 
usually cornered by the cotillion leader and 
dealt out to the most prominent tiaras. The 
unhappy ladies who fail to receive one of 
these priceless tokens usually pass the re- 
mainder of the evening in the ultimate row 
of chairs wearing a granite smile and a paper 
cotillion favor. 

A. WALL flower is a young lady at a dance 

who has not been cursed with the fatal gift. 

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MANNERS for the METROPOLIS 

She may usually be distinguished by her wild 
and beseeching glances. Chloroform is the 
only possible way of securing a partner for 
her. 

J3EFORE putting your arm around a lady's 
waist, you should explain to her that it is 
your intention to dance. As the music starts, 
look at her longingly and murmur one of the 
following remarks: "Do you Boston? " 
" Rotten floor " (or) " Bully floor." " Bully 
favors" (or) " Rotten favors." 



rl y% 



H/VERY now and then a " stand-up" supper 
is served at a dance. This is the abomination 
of desolation spoken of by the prophet Dan- 
iel. Should a lady ask you at such an enter- 
tainment to get her some supper, push your 

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way through the mob of angry bachelors to 
the trough where the comestibles are dis- 
played. Once arrived on the scene of car- 
nage, you can consume a cup of bouillon, 
a few oysters, some sandwiches, a little chick- 
en, some dry champagne, a plate of salad, 
an ice, and a cup of coffee. After this, if 
your hunger has been satisfied, take a morsel 
of galantine, a doily, and a lady-finger, place 
them on a plate and force yourself through 
the compact lines of angry, feeding, perspir- 
ing " dancing men," until you appear before 
your fair partner, declaring that you did your 
best, and that the rest of the provisions had 
disappeared. While she is thanking you, 
slip away to the smoking room and send the 
man in attendance there for a bottle of some 
very, very old champagne. While he is gone 
you may busy yourself by selecting a few of 
the best cigars, so as to be sure to have some- 
thing to smoke on the way home — in some- 
body's cab. 

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MANNERS for the METROPOLIS 

AN giving a dance, avoid, if possible, send- 
ing invitations to bores — they come without 
them. 

J\T a dance, when a lady is talking to a 
millionaire recently arrived from the West, 
he may offer to introduce his wife. (This is 
part of what, in sporting circles, is known as 
the " push stroke.") In such a fix it is per- 
missible for her to burst into a loud fit of 
coughing, mention her weak heart, and ask a 
footman to call her carriage. 



&i% 



W HEN a bachelor arrives at a dance, he 
should at once repair to the smoking room 
and remain there most of the evening — call- 
ing loudly for all those wines which his host 
has neglected to provide. 

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MANNERS for the METROPOLIS 

J\ NEW and unspeakable horror has lately 
been introduced into fashionable dances in 
New York — namely, the " third supper." 
The writer is glad to say that the inventor of 
this atrocity died very slowly and in great 
pain about a year ago. It is a comfort to 
know that his last resting place is unadorned 
by any monument, and that no flowers or 
shrubs have ever bloomed upon his grave. 



^f^ 



A. POPULAR form of entertainment for 
grown-up persons in New York is a " baby 
party." Here the guests are dressed like 
babies: they dance and have supper, and are 
permitted to behave like little children. 
These revels do not differ from other forms 
of social festivities in the metropolis — except 
as regards the costumes. 

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MANNERS for the METROPOLIS 

UANCING men should have a care, at a 
ball, never to be " stuck." This catastrophe 
is usually brought about by listening to the 
wiles of a man who begins with some such 

remark as " Do you know Miss A ? She 

is crazy to meet you ! " or " For Heaven's 
sake, dear boy, do go and talk to that un- 
fortunate girl in yellow." 

Many an agonized hour may be avoided 
by turning a deaf ear to all such entreaties. 
If you don't, the horror of your ultimate pre- 
dicament can hardly be exaggerated. You 
will sit with her for hours in isolated agony. 
Slowly your hair will turn as white as the 
driven snow. Interminable cycles of time will 
tick themselves away, while you sit there 
slyly beckoning to other gentlemen who are 
certain to pay no heed to your signals. 

A case is on record, in England, where a 
gentleman, in such a position, addressed no 
remark to his partner for upward of three 

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MANNERS for the METROPOLIS 

hours. At this point she became aweary, 
turned, and found that he was — dead! 

J\. VERY neat trick can sometimes be 
worked at a dance. You have steadily 
avoided a particularly dreadful damsel 
throughout the entire evening. When she 
has put on her cloak and fur overshoes, and 
you see her hurrying through the hall with 
her maid, on her way to her carriage, jump 
out of the smoking room and say: 

" What? Home so early ! Can't you stay 
and have just one with me?" 

Be careful, of course, not to be too urgent, 
else she may stay, thus hoisting you on your 
own petard. 

IN dancing, unless you are an accomplished 
waltzer, the safest advice to follow is: 
" Avoid the corners and keep kicking." 
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MANNERS for the METROPOLIS 

AT a large ball, the hostess, when tired, 
may, with perfect safety, go to her sleeping 
apartment and retire for an hour or two. 
No one will ever miss her. When rested 
she can reappear in the ballroom and, with 
her second wind, as it were, enjoy the third 
supper, or the first breakfast. 

JlN saying good night to the hostess, have 
a care to bestow your avowals of obligation 
in nearly the same degree of warmth or for- 
mality that her bearing invites. If, for in- 
stance, she be asleep in the conservatory, all 
among the begonias, it is not necessary to 
shake her or rouse her by shouting : " Hi ! 
Wake up, I want to go home," etc. Simply 
pass out noiselessly and remind her butler 
to call her in time for breakfast. (See the 
illustration, " Hostess.") 
61 



BRIDGE 



BRIDGE 

X HIS is a popular pastime, and much of 
the attention of our best minds in high soci- 
ety is concentrated upon guessing whether a 
given card is in the hand of the person on 
the right or on the left. 

As there is a great curiosity among all 
classes of readers concerning bridge, the 
benevolent author has gone into the etiquette 
of the game with a good deal of thorough- 
ness. 



^j% 



IN order to be an accomplished bridge 
player one must possess the following attri- 
butes : 

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MANNERS for the METROPOLIS 

A dress suit. (This does not apply to 
ladies.) 

A large roll of clean bills with a rubber 
band encircling them. 

A cigarette and ash tray. 

A stoical, blond and unimpassioned nature. 

A partner — usually of the opposite sex. 

I OU may, with safety, criticise nearly 
every play your fair partner makes. She 
doubtless deserves it, but, as a rule, this 
criticism should not extend beyond her faults 
as a player. Try to remember that a gentle- 
man is one who never unintentionally insults 
anybody. 

J3RIDGE should never be played seriously. 
One should carry on an animated conversa- 
tion during the course of play. It is custo- 
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MANNERS for the METROPOLIS 

mary, too, to hold the cards in one hand and 
a hot buttered muffin in the other. Get up 
from the table rather frequently and tele- 
phone, receive visitors, give orders to the 
servants, and pour tea. The questions, 
11 Who led? " " What are trumps? " " Is 
that our trick ?" etc., are always permissible, 
and lend some spirit to what might otherwise 
prove a dull and taxing game. 

XN playing bridge with two ladies, a man 
should be careful to play " highest man and 
highest woman." In this way he will be play- 
ing against a man, and his chances of a " set- 
tlement " will be a little less remote. Never 
play with three ladies. 

W HEN you are dummy and your partner 
has finished playing the hand, you should in- 

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MANNERS for the METROPOLIS 

variably glare at her (or him) and make one 
of the following remarks : 

You played it the only way to lose the odd ! 

Why, in Heaven's name, didn't you get 
out the trumps? 

You must lose a pot of money at this game, 
don't you? 

It's lucky I'm not playing ten-cent points. 

Why not take your finesse the other way? 

The eight of clubs was good, you know! 

Yes, if you had played your ace of dia- 
monds we would have saved it. 

It's a pity you didn't open the hearts. 

A.S the leaders of the Smart Set have ceased 
occupying their brains with literature, music, 
politics, and art — subjects which were, a long 
time ago, discussed in our best society — and 
as their entire mental activities are now 
focused upon the game of bridge, the author 
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MANNERS for the METROPOLIS 

has added for the further benefit of his read- 
ers a series of anecdotes, maxims, and expe- 
riences which he has gathered during his 
fruitless attempts to master this fashionable 
pastime. 

% 

X HERE was a lady in the beau monde 
of New York, who was not only a charming 
woman but an accomplished whist player. 
Unfortunately, however, she simply could not 
play fair. Among other idiosyncrasies she 
had a distressing habit of slipping a high 
card on the bottom of the pack, after the cut 
— this was in the days when she played old- 
fashioned whist. In this way she was always 
certain of the ace, king, or queen of trumps 
when it was her turn to deal. She was de- 
tected in this graceful little artifice on one or 
two occasions, with the result that her repu- 
tation suffered a slight dimming in its glory. 
A few months ago the poor lady died and 

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MANNERS for the METROPOLIS 

a well-known bridge wag in New York com- 
posed for her the following epitaph: 

11 Here lies Lily Maltravers, 
In confident expectation of 
The last trump." 



^1^ 



A DELIGHTFUL bridge player is Mrs. 
R. U. Rich, who, though stone deaf, still 
manages to understand the declarations, or 
makes, by an elaborate series of manual signs. 
In playing with her, if the make is a heart, 
you must point to your heart; diamonds, to 
your ring; spades, you must make a shovel of 
your hand, and, when clubs have been de- 
clared, you must shake your fist at her. The 
other evening at a fashionable house in New 
York she was playing a rubber in which her 
husband was her partner. It was after a large 
dinner and, Mrs. Rich, having mistaken her 
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MANNERS for the METROPOLIS 

husband's signal, excitedly asked him what 
trump had been declared. At this, her better 
half shook his fist at her two or three times 
in a very convincing way. An elderly lady, 
on the other side of the room, unaware of 
Mrs. Rich's infirmity, gathered her dress 
about her and, with great dignity, begged the 
host to send for her carriage. 

" Why, Mrs. ," he said, " are you 

leaving us so early?" 

" Well," said the lady of the old school, 
" I think that when a husband and wife come 
to blows over the bridge table it is time to 
call the carriages." 

J\ REDUCED gentlewoman, living in a 
small way in the suburbs, was at an employ- 
ment agency trying to secure a cook. As the 
lady and her husband lived some distance 
from any neighbor, and as the wages she 
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MANNERS for the METROPOLIS 

could afford to pay were meager, the cooks 
displayed a decided unwillingness to assume 
the cares of office. 

Finally, to the great elation of the lady, 
a very respectable and well-mannered Eng- 
lish girl seemed disposed to risk the rigors 
of suburban life. The searching questions 
which the girl had put to the lady had been 
satisfactorily answered, when, at the very 
last, she asked the number in the family, to 
which the lady replied that there were only 
two — herself and her husband. 

" Oh! " said the girl, " I could not think 
of going into service with only three in the 
house. I would not work anywhere unless 
we could make up a four at bridge." 

JtlUSBANDS and wives should never play 

partners at bridge. They are almost certain 

to quarrel, which is unseemly — and if they 

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MANNERS for the METROPOLIS 

don't quarrel, their friends are sure to sus- 
pect them of collusion and cheating. 



IT is a mistake for parents to play bridge 
on Sunday. The morals of children should 
ever be sacred in a parent's eye. Never, 
therefore, allow a card to be touched on the 
Sabbath — until the children have gone to bed. 

J\N inveterate bridge fiend recently pro- 
posed to a lady of some means. She, doubt- 
ing his entire sincerity, mentioned his too 
great devotion to bridge. With a fine show 
of enthusiasm and erudition he burst out 
with: 

" I could not love thee, dear, so much, 
Loved I not honors more." 
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MANNERS for the METROPOLIS 

JL HERE is always a great deal of discus- 
sion among good bridge players as to the pro- 
priety of an original club make — with no 
score. As a matter of fact, a big club hand 
is usually disastrous whether you make it or 
pass it. You either leave it and get spades, 
or else you don't leave it and get the devil. 

X HERE is a lady in New York society who 
is as devoted to bridge as one could well be. 
She makes everything, except her two chil- 
dren, subservient to the game. She attends 
bridge classes, bridge teas, and bridge tourna- 
ments without end. She is, unfortunately, 
married to a wealthy but worthless and ras- 
cally young clubman who treats her usually 
with indifference, but sometimes with cruelty. 
Her friends all advised her to sue for a 
divorce. 

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MANNERS for the METROPOLIS 

The poor woman was in some doubt as 
to what course to pursue. Finally, a brilliant 
idea occurred to her. She would consult her 
bridge teacher! He was the one man in all 
the world whose judgment seemed to her 
infallible. She trusted him more than she 
did her lawyer or her minister. He had 
solved so many difficult problems for her 
that he might solve this. 

Mr. Elstreet was accordingly written to by 
the unhappy lady. His answer ran as fol- 
lows: 

My dear Mrs. : 



I have very carefully thought over 
the little problem which you were good 
enough to submit to me for solution. 
It seems to me that when you have a 
knave alone, it is often a wise plan to 
discard him, but holding, as you do, a 
knave and two little ones, it would seem 
the better part of discretion not to dis- 
card him. 

I am, my dear Mrs. , yours, etc. 

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MANNERS for the METROPOLIS 

A WELL-KNOWN widow in London 
was a guest at a large house-party. She was 
an enthusiastic bridger. She took the game 
very seriously — so seriously that she fre- 
quently dreamed about it, and even, her maid 
declared, talked about it in her sleep. 

Everybody had been playing fairly late 
and the ladies had gone to their rooms and 
" turned in " at about twelve o'clock. The 
men had played until about two. Shortly 
after this, the housekeeper, in making her 
final round of the house, was startled to 
hear the widow's voice addressing somebody 
in an agonized and supplicating way. 

As the door of the widow's room was ajar, 
the housekeeper paused in some alarm, only 
to hear her call out: " My diamonds, my 
diamonds, why didn't I protect them? I am 
lost, absolutely lost ! " 

The housekeeper, not knowing the intrica- 
cies of bridge and thoroughly alarmed by the 

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MANNERS for the METROPOLIS 

idea of a burglar in the widow's room, rushed 
to the host's door and hastily summoned him 
to the rescue. After a somewhat noisy con- 
sultation between them, as a result of which 
some of the disrobing bachelors were at- 
tracted to the scene of conflict, a united de- 
scent was made upon the unfortunate widow's 
stronghold. The net result of the sortie was 
that the widow was greatly annoyed, the host 
was unmercifully chaffed, and the housekeeper 
received her first lesson in bridge. 



IT was," said the Knickerbocker bridge 
fiend, " at the Hotel Splendide-Royale in 
Aix-les-Bains. I was playing twenty-cent 
points, which is just double my usual limit. 
I had lost six consecutive rubbers. I had cut, 
each rubber, against a peculiarly malevolent- 
looking Spaniard, who had a reputation at 

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cards which was none too savory. There had 
been trouble about him only the day before 
at the Casino des Fleurs, where he had been 
mixed up in a somewhat unpleasant baccarat 
scandal. He was a crafty and sullen bridge 
player and I had conceived a most cordial 
dislike to him. 

" Finally — it was hideously late and the 
card-room waiter was snoring in the service 
closet — my time for revenge arrived. It was 
my deal, and I saw at a glance that I had 
dealt myself an enormous hand. I could 
hardly believe my eyes. I held nine spades 
with the four top honors, the bare ace of 
clubs, the bare ace of hearts, and the king 
and queen of diamonds. Here was a cer- 
tainty of eleven tricks at no trumps and very 
possibly twelve or thirteen. I looked at the 
Spaniard, whose turn it was to lead, and I 
smiled exultantly. 

" ' No trumps,' I said, the note of triumph 
quite perceptible in my voice. Quick as a 

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flash the Spaniard had doubled — and quick as 
another I had redoubled. 

" When, however, he had jacked it up to 
96 a trick, I hesitated, but of course went at 
him again with 192. 'Ah, ha!' I said to 
myself, ' Mr. bird of ill omen, you are my 
prey, my chosen victim for the sacrifice.' 

" The price per trick had soon sailed up 
to 1,536, and I ventured to look at my part- 
ner. He was chalky white about the gills 
and his eyes seemed to stare idiotically into 
space. His expression prompted me to take 
pity on him and say ' enough.' 

" Suddenly I had a terrible feeling of 
alarm. Had I mistaken the queen of dia- 
monds for the queen of hearts? If so, my 
king of diamonds was bare and the mysterious 
Spaniard might run off twelve diamond tricks 
before I could say ' Jack Robinson.' With a 
sinking heart I looked at my hand again — 
all was well! The queen was surely a dia- 
mond. I glanced at the olive-skinned gentle- 

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man and begged him to lead a card. I felt 
a great joy welling up within me. 

" At this moment the Spaniard led a card 
and I looked at it nervously. As soon as my 
eyes beheld it my heart seemed to stop beat- 
ing. He had opened the ace of a strange 
green suit, a suit which I had never seen be- 
fore, a suit all covered with mysterious fig- 
ures and symbols. I felt strangely giddy but 
discarded a low spade. I looked at my part- 
ner, who was the picture of despair. He 
said, mechanically and as though life had 
lost all beauty for him, ' Having no hyppo- 
gryphs ? ' to which icy inquiry I answered in 
a strange whisper, ' No gryppolyphs.' 

" The leader followed with another green 
card, a king this time, and again I sacrificed 
another beautiful spade. The Spaniard 
smiled a mahogany smile and proceeded to 
run off his entire suit of thirteen green cards. 
He then nonchalantly scored up a grand slam, 
the game, and a rubber of 10,450 points or 
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MANNERS for the METROPOLIS 

$2,090. I felt my brain reeling and fainted 
away with my head on the card table. Very 
soon, however, I thought I felt the Spaniard 
tugging at my coat sleeve. My anger at this 
was beyond all bounds. I opened my eyes, 
prepared to strike the crafty foreigner in his 
wicked face, and saw — my servant standing 
by my bed with my breakfast tray in his 
hands and my bathrobe on his arm." 



THE THEATER 



THE THEATER 

A.T the theater it is smart to " roast the 
show." Do not be afraid of wounding the 
feelings of your host and hostess. It is an 
even chance that they are more bored than 
you. If the actors seem to object to your 
conversation or show annoyance or impa- 
tience, try to remember that they are not, as 
a rule, well bred, and are ignorant of all the 
graceful little social conventions. 



^i^ 



UN leaving the opera with ladies, do not 
go into the draughty side corridors with 
them, or you will surely be forced to look out 
for their carriage, a tedious and bothersome 
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MANNERS for the METROPOLIS 

occupation. The wisest thing to do is to say 
that you have an appointment, and merge 
yourself with the rabble who are leaving by 
the front door, allowing the ladies to remain 
in the side corridors, where their footmen 
will sooner or later discover them. 

JNI EVER give a theater party in stalls. 
Boxes are obligatory. In seats, the men can- 
not go out for refreshment, and the ladies 
are forced to remove their hats, a tragedy 
usually accompanied by the most distressing 
and ignominious disclosures. 



<^i^ 



A-/ADIES who have opera boxes given 
them at the last moment should " get on the 
job " at once and offer it to such of their 
friends as they know to be either out of town 
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MANNERS for the METROPOLIS 

or engaged for that evening. A box has been 
known, under such circumstances, to pay off 
a dozen obligations in a single day. 



^f^ 



IN New York a theater party is often a 
very boring and tedious form of revelry. It 
is always wise to send a " feeler " before ac- 
cepting a lady's invitation to dine and go to 
the play. The following is a safe model for 
such a missive: 

My dear Mrs. Vandergraft : 

How awfully good of you to ask me 
for Friday. I presume we are dining at 
your house and not at a stuffy restaurant. 
May I be very frank and ask you what 
play you are planning to see ? Might I 
also inquire if you are going in boxes or 
seats, and if you expect me for supper 
afterwards? 

On hearing from you, I hope to be 
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able to arrange the matter to your entire 
satisfaction. 

My servant will wait for your reply. 
Sincerely yours, 

Reginald Goold. 

P. S. — How many are coming, and 
who are they? Are they the noisy sort? 

P. S. No. 2. — What ladies are to sit 
beside me at dinner? 



CALLING 



CALLING 

BACHELORS no longer leave or " push " 
cards. It is considered provincial. After 
dining at a house, a man may think it policy 
to give the butler two dollars and his card. 
In return the butler will, during the next aft- 
ernoon, discreetly slip the card upon the tray 
in the hall while the lady of the house is driv- 
ing in the park. 



•^1% 



AF you are literally forced to pay a call, 
merely ask the butler if the ladies are at home. 
Should he say " No," hand him your cards, 
and your work is over. Should he say " Yes," 
pretend to him that you have mistaken the 
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MANNERS for the METROPOLIS 

house, and that you were looking for the resi- 
dence of another lady. Slip him a dollar and 
retire noiselessly down the steps. 



IT is often well, before starting out on a 
calling expedition, to have one's servant tele- 
phone to a dozen or so mansions to discover 
which of the ladies are out. You can then 
leave cards in these particular houses with 
comparative safety. 



OUR COUNTRY COUSINS 



OUR COUNTRY COUSINS 

ijrREEN peas are eaten with the aid of a 
fork. The hair-raising spectacle of a gentle- 
man flicking peas into his monJ:h with a steel 
knife is no longer fashionable, however dex- 
terously the feat may be performed. 

I LUMS should be eaten one by one and 
the pits allowed to fall noiselessly into the 
half-closed hand. 

,/jlT dinners, wisdom dictates that it is wiser 
to leave the terrapin, hard crabs, asparagus, 
and oranges untasted (unless accustomed to 
them from birth). Be content to poke and 

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pat these dishes with a fork, but make no 
effort to consume them. 



L HE following expressions are no longer 
in vogue in society: "Pardon my glove," 
" Pray be seated," " Pleased to meet you," 
" Remember me to the folks," " Pray rest 
your cane," " Make yourself at home," 
"What name, please?" "Are you the 
party?" "Say, listen," "My gentleman 
friend," " Usen't you?" etc. 

JJO not address your wife as " mother." 

vJ LIVES are eaten with the thumb and 
forefinger of the right hand. It is not neces- 

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MANNERS for the METROPOLIS 

sary to peel them, and the pits should usu- 
ally be rejected. 

JJO not, when your mouth is filled with 
sweet potatoes, red bananas, pressed saddle of 
lamb, or other solid provisions, attempt to 
discuss the topics of the day with the ladies 
at the feast. 

1 N using a finger bowl, simply dip the index 
finger into the fluid and pass it lightly over 
the lips. 

Make no effort to consume the floating 
lemon, and try to restrain yourself from 
splashing about in the bath, like a playful 
walrus or a performing seal. 

WHEN a rich Westerner arrives in New 
York and begins breaking into society, it 

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should be a pleasure for everybody to show 
him little courtesies and attentions. New 
York gentlemen usually do this by borrow- 
ing money from him, marrying his daughters, 
riding his polo ponies (or selling him theirs), 
drinking his wine, cruising about on his yacht, 
smoking his cigars, and selling him blocks of 
their worthless stocks. 

Jl HE last morsel of green turtle in a soup 
plate is always a heart-breaking thing at best. 
Remember that, though enticing, it is elusive. 
Do not chivy it about in frantic circles or 
pursue it untiringly around your plate until 
you have captured and subdued it. Turtle 
soup and Indian pig-sticking are not governed 
by the same rules. 

W HEN you sit down at table, it is not 
necessary to whisk the napkin gayly about be- 

9 8 



MANNERS for the METROPOLIS 

fore unfolding it. The concealed roll is cer- 
tain to fly a considerable distance before 
alighting, and may even crack the enameling 
on one of the great ladies at the banquet. 

Millionaires of the Chester a. 

Arthur or Rutherford B. Hayes vintage 
should pass rapidly through their ancient 
mansions and demolish the following objects 
of art and vertu : 

The twin conch shells, for fireside use; 
the embroidered wall mottoes; imitation 
wax flowers — under glass; ebony and gold 
whatnots; velvet antimacassars; all crayon 
portraits — whether pendant or on gold easels ; 
party-colored crazy quilts; all magenta pic- 
ture sashes; plush photograph albums; red 
worm lamp-mats; turkish cozy corners, with 
hanging red lamps, imitation spears, and 
rusty armor; black hair sofas; hanging ten- 

99 



MANNERS for the METROPOLIS 

nis racquets ornamented with red bows ; fold- 
ing beds; cuckoo clocks and paper weights 
containing miniature paper snowstorms. 

After destroying these knickknacks, they 
should pass out on the steps and adjacent 
lawn spaces and demolish the iron dogs, cop- 
per fauns, and the bed of snowdrops spelling 
out the mansion's fantastic name — " Slope- 
oak/ ' " Munnysunk," " Sewerside," or any 
name in which the following popular " B " 
forms are included: Brae, Blythe, By-the, 
Buena, Bel, Bonnie, Beau, Bourne. 



NEWPORT 



NEWPORT 

JL HE correct treatment of a foreigner in 
Newport is to gush over him, praise him to 
your friends, and invite him to your enter- 
tainments. This course may be pursued for 
one week. After that, treat him with great 
reserve and coolness for the same period of 
time. At the beginning of the third week 
you should abuse him roundly, and take pains 
to recite the hidden and secret passages of his 
past. Advice for the fourth week is unnec- 
essary : they never last more than three. 

&EA bathing at Newport is often injurious 
to the health, as in the case of those ladies 
8 103 



MANNERS for the METROPOLIS 

whose figures are a trifle too meagre — or too 
ample. To such sirens the doctor is sure to 
forbid it. Where, however, the outlines are 
visually " grateful and comforting,'* the exer- 
cise is certain to prove beneficial and bracing. 
In all Newport there are about a dozen 
ladies whose physicians have no such preju- 
dices against open air, salt water bathing. 



Wy% 



jJAKOTA divorces are still a good deal 
frowned upon in the beau monde. Try to 
remember that only Rhode Island divorces 
are comme il faut,. (The Newport variety 
is far smarter than the Providence or Bristol 
brand.) Dakota divorces are a trifle cheaper 
and more expeditious, but it should be borne 
in mind that the climate of Sioux Falls is 
very variable and that the hotels and theaters 
are, to say the least, indifferent. 
104 



MANNERS for the METROPOLIS 

Millionaires from the West whose 

wives are bent upon breaking into society at 
any cost, should not try Newport until the 
simpler safes have been cracked. Newport is 
the water jump of the social steeplechase, and 
should not be taken until the easier gates have 
been successfully negotiated. The safest 
graded order of jumps is as follows : 

i. Palm Beach. Not exclusive, but 

t merry, sumptuous, 

and expensive. 
Chance to meet 
many smart men 
in the gambling 
rooms. 

2. Hot Springs, Va. Depressing, but 

4j> many " classy " in- 

valids. 

3. Narragansett Pier. Geographically 

speaking, this is 
nearly Newport, 
105 



MANNERS for the METROPOLIS 



4. The Berkshires. 



5. Tuxedo. 



6. Long Island. 



but the social tone, 
though "nobby," 
can hardly be 
called Ai. 
Dull and dowdy, 
but full of genteel 
old families in re- 
duced circum- 
stances who are 
willing to unbend 
— if properly pro- 
pitiated. 

Excellent oppor- 
tunities here, par- 
ticularly in the 
Tuxedo jiggers 
and at the club on 
rainy days, when 
a fourth is needed 
at bridge. 
This is the Tat- 
tenham Corner of 



106 



MANNERS for the METROPOLIS 

the social Derby 
— (many bad 
falls here — due to 
riding too hard) 
— the last great 
turn before the 
finish. (Try 
Hempstead, 
Westbury, and 
Roslyn — in or- 
der.) 
7. Newport. Having finally 

reached Newport, 
be very careful 
about the pace. 
Begin cautiously 
with Bellevue 
Avenue and the 
casino. Gradually, 
however, you may 
hit up the pace 
and try the golf 
107 



MANNERS for the METROPOLIS 

club, Bailey's 
Beach, and, final- 
ly, you may dash 
past the judge's 
stand and weigh 
in at Ochre Point. 

AT Newport the hostess usually retires at 
about 1.30. This should be the signal for 
all the bachelors, diplomats, and foreigners 
who are stopping with her, to ask the but- 
ler for carriages and motors to convey them 
to Canfield's (a fashionable roulette and 
chicken-salad parlor). 

A BACHELOR stopping with friends in 

Newport should never lunch or dine in their 

house. It is more jaunty to dine out. If 

108 



MANNERS for the METROPOLIS 

they are truly considerate, they will supply 
him with red morocco " in-and-out " signs 
which he can manipulate, in accordance with 
his engagements, in the entrance hall. 

After a week or so, if he has not yet seen 
his host or hostess and is preparing to leave 
Newport, it is sometimes thoughtful and 
kind to send a card up to their rooms by a 
servant, thanking them for their hospitality. 



GENERAL RULES 



GENERAL RULES 

W EDDING receptions are usually held 
in small private houses holding anywhere 
from one hundred to two hundred guests. 
It is customary to invite sixteen hundred peo- 
ple, six hundred of whom arrive and three 
hundred of whom usually remain wedged for 
hours upon the stairs in a bewildering sea of 
picture hats, lobster salad, smilax, rice, and 
lady fingers. 

AFTER a funeral it is customary for the 
family to supply a few extra carriages in 
which the pallbearers and mourners go to 
the burial ground. After this ceremony the 
bachelor, who has availed himself of one of 

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MANNERS for the METROPOLIS 

the vehicles, may, with propriety, ask the 
driver to take him to his rooms; but it is a 
gross breach of good form to keep the car- 
riage on (at the family's expense) for call- 
ing, going to the play, or driving to Belmont 
Park for the races. 



^1^ 



IN thanking friends for wedding presents, 
it is well to remember that nearly all of them 
will have to be exchanged. Lay your plans 
accordingly. Do not thank anybody until you 
have bunched the duplicates. 

Let us assume, for instance, that the sev- 
enteen traveling clocks, forty-eight candle- 
sticks, eleven porcelain parasol handles, fifty- 
one cut-glass salad bowls, thirteen fans, and 
eighty-four silver teapots have all been gath- 
ered together in convenient groups. At this 
point the bride-to-be may dictate an appro- 
priate " teapot " letter to her secretary. This 
114 



MANNERS for the METROPOLIS 

note will do for all the teapots. The follow- 
ing is a graceful example of such an epistle: 

My dear : 



The teapot is too ravishing. What 
an angel you are! I simply adore it. 
Oddly enough, it was the very thing I 
had longed and prayed for. 

Yours ever, 
Blanche. 

P. S. — Where did you say you 
bought it? 



W HEN a lady calls you up on the tele- 
phone, and seems disposed to run on forever, 
simply hang up the receiver and go on with 
your cigar. If she calls up again to com- 
plete the conversation, tell your servant to 
say that you were disgusted with the way the 
central girl cut you off and have gone to the 
telephone company to lodge a complaint. 

115 



MANNERS for the METROPOLIS 

J3E careful to remember that the lady 
always bows first. On some occasions it 
is difficult to determine whether the fast- 
approaching queen of fashion is going to 
bow or not. Should you be walking down the 
avenue with another man, proceed as follows : 
Look at her and exclaim gladly: " Why, how 
do you do — " Should she freeze, or cut 
you, you have but to turn to your friend and 
complete your remark by adding- — " that 
little trick you showed me yesterday?" 

Thus, it may appear to him that your re- 
mark was meant to be a continuous one, hav- 
ing to do with some feat of legerdemain, and 
he will fail to notice the snub which has been 
so cruelly inflicted upon you. 



wn^ 



PROPOSALS by women, while permis- 
sible, are not customary, and, although they 
116 



MANNERS for the METROPOLIS 

are yearly becoming more and more popular, 
are still regarded as an innovation. If the 
proposal is rejected, good taste and kindly 
consideration demand that the gentleman 
should keep it more or less of a secret. 

It is, of course, not always easy for a gen- 
tleman to know when he has been definitely 
proposed to. Women's ways are sometimes 
devious and obscure. Roughly speaking, it 
is a proposal, or its equivalent, when a lady 
throws her head upon his breast and bursts 
into a passionate flood of tears. 



9n^ 



X HE duties of a valet in a country house 
are as follows: 

(i) Talking and snickering to the house- 
maids in the hallways. 

(2) Purloining little keepsakes from the 
portmanteaus of the visitors. 
117 



MANNERS for the METROPOLIS 

(3) Bouncing into the bachelors' rooms 
one hour before they wish to be wakened, in 
order to build fires, close bureau drawers, 
misinform them about the weather, and take 
away dress coats and trousers. 

(4) Laying out clothes in the morning. 
In doing this they usually exhibit a highly 
trained color sense, selecting as the smartest 
combination of apparel a blue shirt, brown 
socks, lilac handkerchief, green tie, and a 
yellow waistcoat. 

(5) Standing in a conspicuous position in 
the main hallway on Monday morning, which 
is always the period of largess and plenty. 

(6) Wrapping up muddy boots in black 
evening trousers. 

(7) Perhaps, however, their most bliss- 
ful moment is when, knowing that you have 
one more evening before you, they take your 
only remaining white shirt, fold it into a 
sausage-shaped roll, and hurl it into the 
soiled-linen basket. 

118 



MANNERS for the METROPOLIS 

A MOVEMENT is on foot in polite so- 
ciety to revise the barbarous wedding anni- 
versaries as at present regulated, as modern 
marriages seldom last long enough to cele- 
brate them. It is proposed, therefore, to call 
the first anniversary the tin, the second the 
silver, the third the gold, as marriages in 
society are only contracted, on one side or 
the otherj for the attainment of these several 
commodities. 

W HEN ladies are introduced to one an- 
other, they should remain rigid and calm and 
evince no interest in the proceeding. Their 
necks should be stiff and their heads thrown 
back — like cobras about to strike. 

J\T a wedding it is not customary for the 
best man to kiss the bride. Should the occa- 

9 119 



MANNERS for the METROPOLIS 

sion seem, however, to call for such an act, 
he should be careful only to deliver a 
" Sweeper." A " Dweller " may alone be 
administered by the groom. 

A BACHELOR should supply the tele- 
phone girl at his office with a list of ladies 
to whom he is always " out." On a select 
list he will write the names of five or six ladies 
who entertain delightfully and to whom he 
is always " in." 

AN introducing two people show no sign of 
emotion whatever. Merely look from one to 
the other in a vague, listless sort of way, and 
murmur their names very swiftly and very 
faintly. It is, of course, bad form to intro- 
duce at all, but, if put to it, proceed as above. 
1 20 



MANNERS for the METROPOLIS 

A.T Christmas time a married man should 
make certain to tip the telephone boy at his 
club. If the lad is clever enough to recog- 
nize the voice of the member's wife, at the 
other end of the telephone, he should receive 
ten dollars. If he recognizes other female 
voices as wellj he should receive twenty. 



wj% 



A CHIVALROUS husband should always 
try, by kindly acts and little courtesies, to in- 
gratiate himself in his wife's affections. It is, 
for instance, selfish of him to return from his 
office to his home before dressing time. 

He should remember that the hours be- 
tween 4.15 and 7.15 are her hours. In this 
brief space she will probably wish to pour 
tea, entertain male visitors, play bridge, buy 
jewelry, take a nap, or have her hair " mar- 
celled," and the husband should always con- 
121 



MANNERS for the METROPOLIS 

sider her feelings during this trying part of 
the day. He may solace himself by remem- 
bering that the sitting rooms of other ladies 
are always open to him during these hours. 
If not, he can always go to the steam room 
at a Turkish bath, or drop in at the " Plaza " 
and hear the nouveaux riches drink tea. 



IN motoring, avoid running over hens, dogs, 
and Italian children. They are almost cer- 
tain to stick up the wheels. 



9H^ 



VjHURCH-GOING is no longer considered 
fashionable. If a lady finds that she must 
attend church, it is a wise precaution to take 
a little child with her. This will not only 
make a good impression but will give her 

122 



MANNERS for the METROPOLIS 

an excellent excuse for leaving before the 
sermon. 

W HEN you are northbound and a lady 
bows to you from a southbound brougham, 
do not trouble to lift your hat. Merely raise 
your arm halfway to your head, as the vehi- 
cle will have passed in a moment and your 
failure to bow is certain to remain unnoticed. 

ALWAYS be half an hour late for every- 
thing. Nothing is so tedious as waiting. 



(i) 

THE END 



OCT S3 1900 



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